Ask a darklord

[Cole Deschain]

Az: Hero season.

Dear Vlad Drakov- Why a hawk's head brand, exactly? And why on the forehead? You'd do a lot for your spy network if they could hide the damned things...

[HuManBing]

Drakov: Sorry about that. Logic, like backstory and character development, was one of the things the designers failed to give me. But hey, if the darklord works just fine for you...



Boritsi: Seriously, though, if living things die at your touch... erm... (awkward pause). So, had any kids lately?

[VAN]

Ivana: Fortunately no! Don't you see how much trouble has Gabby! I have my Ermodenung and I'm happy with them.

Dear Vlad Drakov: What do you answer at those who say that Diamabel is more cruel than you?

[Spiteful Crow]

Dear Vlad Drakov: What do you answer at those who say that Diamabel is more cruel than you?

Vlad: "What?! He goes on random killing sprees each night as an incarnation of death?! Clearly, I need to catch up!" * goes on killing spree *

Dear Puncheron, why did the chicken cross the road?

[Sylaire]

Puncheron: "Because the fellow who'd eaten him walked across! And as for you, how did the wizard learn the frost gaze? He told his wife how the new dress made her look!"

*makes my saving throw against the Bad Joke and moves on to ask a question*

Dear Malocchio: Wouldn't it be easier to become a real boy if you didn't have to dispossess his existing soul first?

(edit: Maligno. Darned Ravenloft postal service. You can barely read the addresses with all the bloodstains and water damage.)

[ScS of the Fraternity]

Maligno: I presume you're talking to me?
Of course it would be easier to become a real boy if I didn't have to dispossess souls (which I can't do, thanks to my curse, thank you very much!). But it wouldn't be fun!
Sigh... you humans and your cold, mechanical logic. I hope one day you too will experience emotions like us machines.

Dear Anktepot: How do you get your white linens so white?

[Cole Deschain]

Ahnk: Hey, all I do is hang around my tomb for years on end. Laundry helps me pass the time.


To the Hags of Tepest- Ladies, does it bother you that your creation, Blackroot, is seen by many as a better darklord candidate than the three of you?

[Scarycount]

Hags: We now know how Gabby feels.

Dear Strahd, Pirate or Ninja?

[Spiteful Crow]

Hags: We now know how Gabby feels.

Dear Strahd, Pirate or Ninja?

Strahd: "Clearly, pirates are better than ninjas. Can you not tell my preference by this garish outfit those coastly wizards stuffed me in?"

Dear Elena, ever considered going to war with Pharazia?

[Sylaire]

Elena: "While the idea of launching a crusade to bring the justice of Belenus to the heathen is certainly sensible, while the rotten core of evil continues to corrupt Nidala from within assaulting Pharazia would be nothing but a distraction to the faithful...and indeed, I greatly suspect your motives in mentioning it..."

Dear Lord Godefroy: What would you say to the Sci-Fi Channel filming the next episode of Ghost Hunters at Gryphon Hill?

[Rotipher of the FoS]

Godefroy: Considering how badly the SciFi Channel represents other supernatural beings' characteristics, I'm all for it! Once they screw up the details, no obnoxious hero-type is going to have a clue how to really defeat me, because the gamer-geeks running them as PCs will all have seen the episode.



Dear King Crocodile,

What would you do if your fellow talking animals started breaking out into catchy song-and-dance numbers, like in the Disney cartoons?

[Scarycount]

Croc: I'd get my own villenous reprise of the song, then eat them.

Dear Strahd: How do you feel about Barovia tying with Mordent in my contest?

[Isabella]

Strahd: Unsurprising! Mordent and Barovia are the only two domains to have had me in them!

Hey Strahd, what do you think about the guy who claims that vampires are mathematically impossible?

[HuManBing]

Strahd: An interesting little theory, and actually quite applicable... were we living (or, in my case, a convincing facsimile thereof) in a world were vampires create other vampires with a single bite.

However, I have given this some study and it is clear that merely biting a victim does not create a vampire. Even killing a victim does not necessarily create a vampire, though the resulting creature likes to go around and bite other things. (From what I gather, this creature itself cannot create other vampire-like creatures even if it kills them.)

If you ask my... erm, guests, in my basements, they'll tell you you can be bitten indeed many times by a vampire and not turn into one yourself. You may experience dizziness, loss of appetite, diminished sexual drive, and Constitution loss, but you won't turn into a vampire per se.

Now, as for the practice of impaling one or more humans every evening (presumably lethally, since a non-lethal impalement is virtually unheard of)... that may well kill so many people that it's insupportable for a small domain's population.

Fortunately, being a darklord of wealth and taste, I spurn such base and mindless activity.

Question for Vlad Drakov: If you like impaling people every dinnertime, that must make it difficult for you to have state banquets with foreign diplomats in the evening, right? How about romantic dates with hot chicks? Do they like the whole spectacle of watching a human body get impaled and slowly slide down a thick sharp pole?

[Rotipher of the FoS]

Drakov:

Difficult? Why should it be 'difficult' to hold state banquets? Having them impaled is what foreign rulers send me all those diplomats for, isn't it?

{looks nonplussed}

As for my private life, I'll ask that you be less tasteless in your choice of dinner conversation. There are children present, most of them mine!

{resumes eating as the impaled 'entertainment' moans in agony}



Dear Death,

If everything was dead at the beginning of time, like in Darkon's creation-story, why would the spirits bother to obey you? You couldn't exactly kill them for not doing what you said, could you?