Favorite in-game quote

[Dominique]

I know this thread has been done a thousand times, but I have a new favorite quote uttered during a game and I'm sure some other people must have had a new gem appear since the last time we had one of these threads . . .

I'm running Bleak House (second time for me as a GM, first time for this group of players). The PCs just finished day three of the house and are gearing up for the final confrontation, so they're in full "I HATE this house! Get me back to a nice inn in Barovia where the food doesn't attack me and I can sleep through the night!" mode. Last session, while wandering around the freezing cold grounds, they ran into Casimir, who they had just found stabbed to death the night before. He noticed that the Borcan thief was staring at him oddly (specifically, at the spot where the knife had been protruding when they'd found his corpse.)

Casimir: "Is everything all right?"
Thief: "Oh. Um, yes. Um, it's just cold. I'm from Borca. I'm not used to this kind of cold."
Casimir: "Well, if you go back to the house, I'm sure Elise could make you a hot cup of tea."
(After a little more small talk, Casimir departs.)
Thief (to the party): "I'd really love a cup of tea, but it would be, like, blood or death or evil or something."

I think that line summarizes Bleak House pretty perfectly . . .

So what are some of your favorite in-game quotes?

[Steve Miller]

This comes from my long-running "Star Wars" campaign (ten years and counting):

Morgan (10 year old child): She said my mom had sex with everyone on the Jedi Council except Yoda.

Tar (Morgan's Mom): That's a lie!

Morgan: You had sex with Yoda, too?!

[Gonzoron of the FoS]

Whenever we have a funny exchange like this, I try to write it down and put it in our campaign journal. Some of the best from there:

When captured and imprisoned by Mallocchio's charmed town guards during The Evil Eye, one PC asks for a note to be sent to their friend, the mysterious wizard known only as The Engineer. The note begins, "Dear The Engineer, ..."

Upon being told by a shop keeper that she doesn't know Van Richten, but a Sense Motive reveals she's hiding something: "If you continue to not know this Van Richten, can you not give him a message?"

Upon losing track of the vampire they were pursuing, one PC said to another: "Wise men choose their battles, as do we."

The herbalist PC, upon drugging an NPC with hermitshawl spores: "We used to give it to horses. Maybe I should have used three spores instead of five."

The same PC, upon searching for confiscated weapons and finding a broom closet: "I have no items with me. A broom would be an improvement."

Upon another PC casting Tasha's Hideous Uncontrollable Laughter on one of the Chancellors of Dementlieu, a PC who had bluffed his way into being recognized as a doctor diagnosed her with "an acute case of Laughicus Hyenicus."

The same PC, upon being caught starting wildly exagerrated rumors about the party's deeds in saving a town from Falkovnian invaders, "These are the stories they're going to be telling in five minutes, I want to be the one to start!"

The same PC, upon hearing of the Sleeping Beast mountain range, "Everything that has a fake name turns out to be real. I bet there's a real Beast sleeping in there."

After tripping an explosive runes- and gunpowder-trapped bookshelf, then resting up until the next day:
Ludovic: "Leif, can you give me a hand searching the bookshelf?"
Leif: "OK, but remember, it explodes."

This one's contextual. Leif, the tough guy, has just been savagely beaten down to single-digit hp by a Sheen. Suriana, the little 14-year-old healer girl, has been singed just a bit.
Leif to Suriana: "Are you OK?"
Surian to Leif: "I'm fine." <surreptitiously lays on hands>

[Jack of Tears]

I'm running an evil campaign shortly after the release of the Book of Vile Darkness, which we're discussing during a lag in the game.

Marry: Well, we're dark, but I don't think we're really VILE.

Erick: I just haven't had a chance to shine yet.

[Jack of Tears]

In another game we have one player who tends to get himself killed in every major conflict. In this instance he seems to be doing rather well for himself:

Erick: Dude, you're kicking butt. I can't believe you haven't died yet.

Garrett: Give it a minute, give it a minute, oop, yeah, I'm dead.

[Stygian Inquirer]

In one campaign I had we had a thirsty party (the main players in this exchange being a rogue and a gnomish pistoleer) going to an inn in Martira Bay for some ale:

Rogue: Hello, barkeep, I will have one tankard of ale, if you please.
Bartender: 2 gold pieces.
Rogue: 2 gold pieces is OUTRAGEOUS.
Bartender (pulls out two wheel-lock pistols and points them at the weary party): 2 gold pieces.
Pistoleer: I'll pay it.
Rogue: But this is highway robbery!
Pistoleer: But he has two pistols.
Rogue: But you have FOUR pistols!
Pistoleer: Yes, but I am small and I am VERY thirsty.

[Pariah]

All in Undead Cabbage's campaign:
First, as my druid/scout Siegfried, who was walking down the path of darkness...obviously doing fairly sinister things (such as putting vengeance before anything else..and putting innocents out of their misery vs going out of his way (and therefore preventing the party from doing so as well) to help them.) The entire time the party is just fine and dandy with it.

Alone in the Forest of the Ancients...

Natasha: I will tell you where the murderer of your family is...but first you must prove yourself to be worthy of it. I need you to kill this man (waves at innocent man.)
(me): I walk over to him and snap his neck.
Party members: Whoa dude, you're pretty nuts. I hope you gain a good boost out of it.
Natasha: VERY well done...
DM: You get +4 strength and -4 charisma, your claw and bite damage goes up a die.
Party members: Sweet!
DM: What's your alignment?
(me): Neutral.
DM: You're now neutral evil.
Party Members: SIEGFRIED IS EVIL!? OH NO! That's not good!
(dm and me): *roll eyes*

===+===

Same campaign after Siegfried became too evil for me to play, I'm playing Raphael Cheslav, the veteran monster hunter (and cynic womaniser). I've been advising the players on how to properly hunt monsters, but our fighter just DOESN'T listen. So, he hears a woman and scream and runs off at full speed by himself down Siegfried's mansion...

By the time we get there, Siegfried's grappled the fighter and just broke his arm.

Raphael: THAT'S why you don't fight them in melee *pistol volley into the grapple; Siegfried runs away again*
Fighter: Great, what can I do with a broken arm? (it was his primary one)
Me: You're the fighter, you can still die for us.

===+===

Same campaign:
*Raphael rolls a bluff (seduce) check*
Me: Does a 22 get me a good night?
DM: *nods*
Male buddy chuckles, female player in the group catches on and shakes her head sadly.

===+===

Same campaign, nearing the end. We're walking down a misty road between towns when we come across a small boy who looks like he wants a hug. Immediately, the cleric and I look at the fighter.

Raphael and Cleric: DON'T HUG THE CHILD
Fighter: I hug the child.
Party: *shakes head*
Dm: As it hugs you it's nails turn into a giant claws...

===+===

Same campaign, even closer to the end! We come face to face with a succubus (who turns out to be the fighter's sister!)

Raphael: *picks up d20* I'm going to try to sedu- *cleric hits me*

Same situation:
Raphael: Your sister is GORGEOUS.
Fighter: If you go anywhere near my sister I'll kill you.
Raphael: Not if she kills you first...

And near the finale!

Me: I tumble out of her threat range *I roll over 30 or some such* Oh...I peek up her skirt while I'm at it too.

And that's just from UC's campaign

(after previewing the post I must say it's pretty damn huge! Who knew I could have so many favourite quotes! Good thing I didn't get into our rogue's quotes...)

[Nathan of the FoS]

"Halfling! Fix my pants!"

[Le Noir Faineant]

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"Haha, you're laughable! I have NEVER heard of halflings that can be vampires as well!"

"Halflings can't be vampires, can they?"

"By Hextor! That halfling just bit me!"

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"What's that for a name? - Loren Soth? - If you're Lauren Bacall, you should wear some skirts, you fag!" (<-- Grandmother rule applies here?)

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From the Staunton Bluffs game (in no particular order, my players will understand...):

Seeing that Wedge is aiming at Tavian, and fearing for his companion's safety, Moorkroft takes aim and fires his musket at Wedge.

"its digging its way in!"

*Baleful Utterance on the pants of the nearest ranger - SHATTER spell not kill this time PLEASE if it works his pants should explode and he should be stunned *

"I am NOT a scarecrow!"

"hmm....an ocean that isn't there, a bridge only half real...what if that bridge leads to no-where? what if it is merely a distraction, to keep us from the real goal?"

"Food? Are we dead? Is this heaven?"

Alain slowly raises his head, eyes red from recent tears. He looks at the woman who spoke to him as if he couldn't believe she exists at all.
He takes in a deep breath and exhales slowly, saying nothing, just squinting and shaking his head in disbelief.
His mouth forms words without sound as if to say "It was a dream..."

And many, many more...

[Drinnik Shoehorn]

At our group on Friday, halfway through a big chunk of Boxed Text in WBRB, a watch bleeped.

Me: Was that my watch or yours?
Player: Mine, sorry.
Me: Good. Because mine doesn't bleep.

I only realised how dumb that sounded after I said it...

[Adam]

While running hour of the knife:

The characters have spent the last four days on the trail of the infamous Bloody Jack, coming up short night after night as he continues to kill the ladies of "ill repute" that he is so famous for. They retire back to the inn on the fourth night, puzzled as to why the clocktower hasn't rung after bumping into the proprietor, Koth, on the street searching for his wife. The new chief inspector of the Paridon guard arrives, delivering the grim news that Mariel, Koth's wife, has been killed while out searching for Koth. The innkeeper is of course distraught, sweeping drinks off of tables and flipping over one table before vowing revenge and running off into the night. An awkward silence settles over the group...

...until the character playing Ozzie Raspution, in a heavy yorkshire accent, says "I didn't know she was a whore!"

It took about 10 minutes before we could get back to the game.

[Stygian Inquirer]

Barbarian in a massacred village: "This place stinks of death, lets put flowers on our heads and dance."

Cleric to a Rogue: "You're a rogue, but I thought... OH RIGHT, the dishonesty."

[Nathan of the FoS]

In our last session, the party's half-orc monk grappled a mummy (killed by radiation and not wrapped in bandages or anything, hence they called it "the dead guy/zombie") and the halfling sorcerer/dragon disciple threw himself onto the dog pile.

Halfling: "I'm gonna use my claw and bite attacks on the dead guy."
DM (me): "All right--the claw attacks miss, the bite hits."
Halfling: "Wait, now I'm chewing on the dead guy?"
DM: "Yeah."
Halfling: "Hey, can you get zombified by chewing on a zombie?"
DM: (shrugs) "I guess you'll find out." (turns to gnome druid) "Your action."
Gnome: "I cast purify food and drink on the dead guy's leg."

[Fuzzball]

"Okay Mark, it's your turn. What do you do?"

"I commit suicide."

"Roll to hit yourself."

"Critical Failure!? I suck at everything!"