Ask a darklord

[Scarycount]

Bluebeard: I don't know, and I wouldn't recommend finding out. What makes you think you pathetic non-darklords can handle the unfathomable horror in the center of a terror pop? I should cut your tounge off for that.

Dear Strahd, what do you recommend as a gift for valentines day?

[Drinnik Shoehorn]

"You can never go wrong vith chocolates. Or slaughtering your significant other's ex, both are acceptable."

Dear Gabrielle, didn't anyone explain birth control to you?

[Scarycount]

Gabrielle: Yes. Unfortuneately noone has invented a condom that can block demon sperm.

Dear Van Richten, how do you kill a weresquirrl?

[Sylaire]

I've found that luring them near goblin cauldrons in backwoods Tepest works well. For some reason, the natives consider Weresquirrels to be "good eatin'." (And just when did I become a darklord, anyway? Is raving bigotry against supernatural creatures causing me to slaughter them willy-nilly by the bucketload a reason to be embraced by the Dark Powers?)

Dear Tiyet: Does it ever bother you being stereotyped as the traditional "heartless female"?

[VAN]

Excellent that.

Tiyet: Me "heartless"? Are you insane, do you know how may hearts I have...in my stomach?

Question for Adam: How's dad doing?

[Drinnik Shoehorn]

"He's up to someone else's eyes with body parts."

So, Inza, is your shadowy status a play on your 2-dimensional character?

[Scarycount]

Inza: You overestimate the deimensions of my personality, my friend.

Dear Adam, who would win in a fight? You, or The Frakenstien Monster

[alhoon]

You couldn't watch that fight once I rip off your eyes, could you? So it doesn't matter. (PS. I regenerate, Franky doesn't)

Dear Soth: How do you feel that Darth Vader is a more well known villain fallen knight with a cooler outfit and weapon?

[InVinoVeritas]

Terrible. I've sulked for days on that very topic. Whatever. With an unlifespan greater than the multiverse and the mental training of a Solamnic Knight, I try not to let it get to me. And I don't need a sword that sheds light.

Malus Sceleris: Paper or plastic?

[Undead Cabbage]

(Sorry if I'm terribly ripping off Denis Leary here)

Both. In fact, take some complimentary baby seal eyes with your purchase sir. Need some Panda bear skin to go with that? Here, we'll pack it in a good old non-biodegradable styrofoam cup.

But wait, there's more:

We're giving away FREE Tiger parts to anyone who buys one of our chimpanzees (they've been through a little animal testing, but they should still be good for target practice). Mind the oil spill on your way out!

Gwydion: Can you make a Burrito so hot that even you can't eat it?

[JinnTolser]

I'm allergic to burritos, it turns out. And I'm very sensitive about it. So now you must die and agonizing, slow death to make me feel better.

Dear Vlad Drakov: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Rob Zombie?

[Spiteful Crow]

Dear Vlad Drakov: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Rob Zombie?

"That's what Azalin told me, and I resent the remark. Guards! Bring me a stake!"

Dear Haki Shinpei, what's it like having the most underdeveloped backstory in the entire demiplane?

[Rotipher of the FoS]

Haki Shinpei: Beats me, but next time the Phantom Lover passes through my neck of the woods, I'll ask him.


Dear Jacqueline Renier,

Ever seen Meerkat Manor on Animal Planet? I know they're not rodents, but those little critters' social interactions (i.e. female-dominated with a tendency to kick each other's butts over snacks) might strike you as awfully familiar.

[VAN]

Jacqueline Renier: Only one word: amateurs!

Dear Ivana, have you already taken the rights of Venom in Spiderman's movie?

[InVinoVeritas]

I've already taken Spider Man.

Hazlik: Who's a pretty boy? C'mon, who's a pretty boy?