Real life fear/horror/madness

[HuManBing]

Adventures with SmallMom

6. Camouflage

Normally, SmallMom is so small that no special effort is required to make her unnoticeable. However, on some occasions it is desirable for SmallMom to remain visible while downplaying her actual smallitude. One such situation may be when a girlfriend is being introduced, and the relevant son is trying to play down the fact that such a SmallMom is capable of ferocity sufficient to cause LargeSon to flee in terror when she is vexed.

Place SmallMom in a Smart car. The apparent matching size of the car will make SmallMom seem normal sized but far away.

[Zilfer]

Adventures with SmallMom

5. The ricebowl gambit

SmallMom lives at home with LoudDad.
Explanatory note: SmallMom is small.
LoudDad is medically limited in how much rice he may eat.
SmallMom is vigilant about LoudDad's rice intake.
LoudDad is disheartened by this.
SmallMom due to go out of town to visit her family.
SmallMom makes a full pot of rice in cooker.
LoudDad perks up. Rice is imminent!
SmallMom doles out a tiny ricebowl for him.
"The rest is in the fridge, don't eat more than you should."
LoudDad says "I won't."
LoudDad cackles fiendishly to self for his cunning.
SmallMom disappears.
LoudDad opens fridge, sees big bowl with plate covering.
Carries bowl out to countertop and lifts plate in anticipation of plentiful rice harvest.
LoudDad shocked!
Inside big bowl are six tightly-nested consecutively smaller bowls.
Inside smallest bowl is a tiny amount of rice and note "Rest is in freezer - behave yourself!"
LoudDad morose.
LoudDad calls up HMB to complain.
"SmallMom is cheeky! "
HMB condolences.

haha! xD

[HuManBing]

Trolling the Workwife

At my previous workplace, I had a workwife. We don't work together any more but I still like to keep her updated with the important stuff in my life. Her reactions are usually mixed at best.

Me: So you know how brie cheese has that waxy white mold rind on the top, bottom, and back? Well, two hours ago, I fished out a wedge of brie from the fridge that had such advanced mold that even the sides were covered in white mold. ... That was two hours ago. ... Stay tuned.

Workwife: Are you still alive?

Me: Yes. In this case, the brie had once been allowed to sit in a hot car over an afternoon so at one point it was entirely liquid, which may have helped the beneficial bacteria to propagate. In case you're interested, it was both crispy and faintly furry.

Workwife: Omg Bing O___o I don't know how (or why) you do it.

Me: It's how I imagine a caterpillar melt to taste.

Workwife: WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!! >_______<

Me: I should keep a food blog. "Bing eats; Workwife weeps."

Workwife: How are we even friends

Me: ...

[Zilfer]

I see.... xD that poor cheese was neglected in the car!

[HuManBing]

Traffic trolling

CitiesOfGold was a fun girlfriend - not only did she understand my impudent sense of humor, but she often joined in on the joke.

One time, I was driving us through a college town. A car pulled up alongside us, full of young college guys. One of them waved and smiled at us, and I waved and smiled back.

Then the college guy put his hand up to his mouth and made a lewd gesture at us, smiling broadly.

Instead of getting mad, I decided I would have a bit of fun with this. I began to make the following gestures in car-to-car nonverbal communication:

1. Gesture: "Wait, please clarify. I don't understand what you mean."

(Other party repeats lewd hand-to-mouth gesture, with added vigor.)

2. Gesture: "Ahh, I am familiar with this. But please clarify: do you mean you to me? Or me to you?"

(Other party starts laughing, stops gesturing.)

3. Gesture: "Oh, you mean you to me? Hmm, okay, I'm up for it but we've gotta be quick."

At this point the light turned green and traffic started moving. CitiesOfGold was already giggling at me, but she started fishing around in my pocket and eventually located my wallet. By the time we drew level with the college kids' car, CitiesOfGold had handed me a fat stack of dollar bills, which I started waving at them.

4. Gesture: "Wait! Where are you going? Look, I've totally got money and stuff! Let's do this!"

I looked over to CitiesOfGold, who was also brandishing money at them and pointing downwards excitedly.


Needless to say we were all laughing like lemons at this highly inappropriate display of jejune humor, honestly drivers these days, good-for-nothing kids, what is the world coming to I ask you.

[Zilfer]

*shakes head*^

I think I wouldn't mind following you around for a week just for laughs. XD you could probably charge people for the humor alone! xD

[High Priest Mikhal]

Bing, are you actually The China Man? Or related to him? Does the name Mick Martin ring a bell? You didn't happen to tattoo "Kid Wok" on your forehead so everytime you look in the mirror it says "koW diK?"

[HuManBing]

I actually have no idea who that is or what show/book/movie they're from. I'm just a (relatively) normal guy to whom abnormal stuff seems to happen every so often. Occasionally I give chaos a helping hand too.

Chocolate spread

I had a dream a few months ago about designing a new chocolate spread dispenser.

It's shaped like a person's shoulders and neck, but the lid is where the head should be.

You unscrew the lid, and turn the jar upside down so the chocolate spread slowly poured down through the neck in a big blob.

Then you take a knife and "decapitate" the hanging chocolate blob.

I then woke up and wondered how I could make money from this idea.

[High Priest Mikhal]

The China Man is a Chinese-American standup comedian who makes fun of his Chinese/Asian heritage. Either he deliberately gets his references to Chinese culture wrong, or he's a product of the American Educational System. Either way he's my second-favorite comedian. Second only to our own HuManBing.

Chocolate spread

I had a dream a few months ago about designing a new chocolate spread dispenser.

It's shaped like a person's shoulders and neck, but the lid is where the head should be.

You unscrew the lid, and turn the jar upside down so the chocolate spread slowly poured down through the neck in a big blob.

Then you take a knife and "decapitate" the hanging chocolate blob.

I then woke up and wondered how I could make money from this idea.

Hmm...make the dispensers look like elected officials? The chocolate inside is brown like what they're full of, and I would just love a chance to cut off their "heads."

[HuManBing]

Van Richten's Guide to the Female Heart
ARM yourself with KNOWLEDGE... because what you don't know CAN kill you!
This is totally legit. Buy it. Don't be a wuss. DO IT.
* ~ * ~ *

VIEW CONTENT:

Code: Select all

          |  \ \ | |/ /
          |  |\ `' ' /
          |  ;'aorta \      / , pulmonary
          | ;    _,   |    / / ,  arteries
 superior | |   (  `-.;_,-' '-' , vena cava
          | `,   `-._       _,-'_
cookies   |,-`.    `.)    ,<_,-'_, pulmonary
         ,'    `.   /   ,'  `;-' _,  veins
        ;        `./   /`,    \-'
        | right   /   |  ;\   |\  tiny pet dragons
        | atrium ;_,._|_,  `, ' \
        |        \    \ `       `,    scrapbooking
  Johnny Depp`    \       left  ;,
         \   ,'  `      \,  ventricle
          \_(            ;,      ;;     shotguns and napalm
          |  \  human   `;,     ;;
 Jondalar |  |`sacrifice  `;;,   ;' vena cava 
          |  |  `-.        ;;;;,;'
          |  |    |`-.._  ,;;;;;'
          |  |    |   | ``';;;'  Unicorn sprinkles
                  aorta

"We must submit." ~ Mordentshire Parlor Women's Collective.

"I don't remember writing this, but it's all a blur after the eighth double vodka." ~ Bing.

"A tour de force. Even I learned something from it!" ~ Gentleman Caller, The.

"The sort of book I wish I'd read earlier in life. Much, much earlier." ~ Azalin Rex.

"Boring." ~ Hazlik.

[HuManBing]

Dangerous games

I visited a friend who has just had her first kid - a daughter. She and her husband were playing a really dangerous game with the baby, called "Baby Butt Roulette", wherein after you change the baby's nappy and cleaned off its lower orifices, you then put your face really close to the baby's arse and gain points for how long you keep it there, with extra points if you open your mouth.

They asked me if I wanted to take part and I politely declined.

I feel like current generations are taking a somewhat different approach to child rearing than my parents' generation did. :/





...

When the kid is old enough I'll be sure to tell her about the entertainment she gave her parents as a baby.

[Zilfer]

O.o.... wow..... just wow. I think I just made a real horror check at that.^ as always you provide much needed..... 'excitement' shall we say.

[HuManBing]

Educating the youth

Also at the party, the grandmother of the newborn baby asked me "Please speak Chinese to the baby so she'll learn Chinese from you!"

So I began saying the following things to the baby:

"为人民服务" (Serve the people)
"别放弃当劳动模范的梦想" (Never give up the dream of becoming a model laborer)
"社会主义好，社会主义国家人民地位高" (Socialism is great, the global standing of socialist citizens is high)
"中华人民共产党万岁" (Long live the Chinese Communist Party)

At this point the grandmother took the baby away from me.

And I was sad.

[High Priest Mikhal]

Educating the youth

Also at the party, the grandmother of the newborn baby asked me "Please speak Chinese to the baby so she'll learn Chinese from you!"

So I began saying the following things to the baby:

"为人民服务" (Serve the people)
"别放弃当劳动模范的梦想" (Never give up the dream of becoming a model laborer)
"社会主义好，社会主义国家人民地位高" (Socialism is great, the global standing of socialist citizens is high)
"中华人民共产党万岁" (Long live the Chinese Communist Party)

At this point the grandmother took the baby away from me.

And I was sad.

Even Fidel Castro admitted Communism is a total failure before he died. If even the Great Unshorn One denounces it...

[Gonzoron of the FoS]

Even Fidel Castro admitted Communism is a total failure before he died. If even the Great Unshorn One denounces it...

As far as I (and wikipedia) know, he's still alive....