Real life fear/horror/madness

[HuManBing]

Medical checkup confusion

Cute nurse: Do you smoke?

Me: No.

Cute nurse: Do you drink?

Me: Socially.

Cute nurse: Are you sexually active?

Me: No.

Cute nurse (looks at me oddly): ...why's that?

Me (suddenly very confused): Wait, what?

* ~ * ~ *

A few minutes later...

Doctor: Do you smoke?

Me: No.

Doctor: Do you drink?

Me: Socially.

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: No.

Doctor (looking at me oddly): ...huh. Why's that?

Me (prepared for this): Because I'm a lawyer.

Doctor (suddenly very confused): Wait, what?

Me: ^_^ smiles winningly



It is very important to savor life's granular victories.

[LadySoth]

^Cute story bing, but could you explain the punchline? I didn't understand the bit about granular victories. Would you not want to admit to being sexually active as a lawyer to avoid legal troubles? Is that why it was funny? (yes, I'm dense.)

My madness check for the day was reading that post! LOL.

[HuManBing]

The punchline is unclear but could be something along the lines of "Lawyers don't have sex - they merely go back to the shop to have their bolts tightened".

"Granular" is a mathematical term for something that is easily divisible, so you might say that one hundred single-dollar-bills are more granular than a single one-hundred-dollar bill.

If your victories in life are generally granular... it means they are not particularly substantial.

[LadySoth]

Thanks for the explanation!

Madness check today trying to order a surprise birthday cake for a friend. We're having a special event for him at a nice restaurant, and I wanted them to do me up a special cake so we could surprise the b-day boy. I told them my requirements (which weren't elaborate) and told the catering staff my budget for the cake was approximately $100. The woman kind of scoffed at that a little bit, and said, "well, for THAT price range, we'll have to see what we can do." (almost like $100 was cheap to pay for a small birthday cake for approximately 3 people to share).

I was kind of like, " . . . ?"

Heck, at my local supermarket, its only $30-40 for a custom cake-- I thought that $100 was more than generous amount to offer as the budget for this place, even if it is a fancy restaurant. Maybe we'll just do the supermarket cake route. . . hey, its the thought that counts, right?

[HuManBing]

A rapid progression of events

1. Met cute Asian girl on public transport and arbitrarily decided to talk to her. We both speak Chinese and she gives me her number.

OUTCOME: GREAT SUCCESS

2. Took cute Asian girl out for dinner at nearby hole-in-the-wall excellent restaurant. Talk flows freely. We both like each other. Dropped her off back at her place. We agree to meet again.

OUTCOME: GREAT SUCCESS

3. Called cute Asian girl up the following evening. Cute Asian girl tells me she really enjoyed herself and wants to spend more time with me but by the way she has a husband.

OUTCOME: GREAT SUC---- wait.






This is the fastest I've gone through the whole relationship cycle. Ten minutes to phone number, two hours to first date, and 24 hours to married.

[LadySoth]

Neighbor is watching porn again. I can hear it through the wall. Lots of screaming etc. I have better computer speakers than he does though. So I put on the shower scene from Psycho. Full Volume. Lots of even louder, more terrifying screaming. Lasted about 30 seconds. That got the message across. When I turned off the clip, neighbor had put the sound of his porn down so now I can't hear it any more. Thank goodness. Now he's listening to Celine Dion again. That's fine. I can deal with that.

[Zettaijin]

LadySoth, there's this strange German metal band callled Bethlehem who tend to feature some of the most unearthly screams I've ever heard. It's quite hard to imagine a human being making such sounds, let alone on purpose.

On the other hand, the initial screams from Schatten aus der Alexander Welt should certainly put an end to any porno watching from your neighbours, and perhaps push them to move far, far away from you.



Schuld Unsres Knochrigen Faltpferds also has some pretty blood curling screams.

[LadySoth]

Oh thank you Zettaljin! Those are perfect! I simply LOVE "Schuld Unsres Knochrigen Faltpferds" -- I'm bookmarking these clips right now, to get ready for next time. Many Thanks. (As black metal goes, these guys aren't half bad!)

[HuManBing]

There is a bit in the video game "Mass Effect" when you can walk in on a crew member watching... something... on the computer screen.

The funny thing is, it's heavily suggested that it's porn, but the noises are actually all recycled cries and screams and grunts from the game's combat sequences.


The corollary to this is that sex, in the Mass Effect universe, is apparently much the same as getting beaten up in battle.

[Gonzoron of the FoS]

Also useful for such times, The Litanies of Satan, by Diamanda Galas


(not so good for putting your mp3 collection on shuffle at parties, though)

[Joël of the FoS]

(not so good for putting your mp3 collection on shuffle at parties, though)

*lol* indeed! A friend through a few LPs my way and I made a tape, which I listen to once in a while. But it's not on my Ipod, no!

Joël

[Zettaijin]

I just woke up from the most horrific nightmare!

In it, HMB hadn't posted a new embarrassing story about himself in this thread in almost a month.

Then I come to this thread and see that it's real: HMB's life may be going smoothly! GAAAAHHHHHH!!!

[HuManBing]

Wha...? You want MORE stories of colossal social ineptitude? o_O

All right, all right. Let me get my diary...

*ahem*



How to defuse an awkward moment

I went to buy bug spray. There was a long line and the cashier (tired young woman) was nervously apologetic. "Thanks for your patience, sorry for the hold-up," she said.

I said no problem, it's lucky it wasn't a real "hold up" (miming a pump action shotgun).

I noticed, too late, that this did not make her any calmer.

So she hurries through my order and then hands me some promotional coupons, automatically generated by the register.

One is for Kleenex... The other is for KY Jelly.

She notices this and blushes bright red. "I'm so sorry!" she says.

I wave this away too, as I decide to make it less embarrassing for her.

"You know, KY Jelly is a good cooking ingredient because it tastes like sugar water. Goes great with stir fries," I say happily.

As I leave the store I feel a surge of pride at my adroit handling of what could have been a very awkward situation.

[Zettaijin]

*claps* You sir, are the master.

The best I can muster is saying "I'm sweating like a Japanese junior high school girl." during dinner with people I had met at a youth hostel in Nagasaki.

Truth be told, my female students sweat a LOT, and are forced to wear the same uniform day in and day out even during torrid heatwaves.

[HuManBing]

Signs of a catastrophic date

1. You are wearing collared shirt, law school T shirt, slacks, and laced shoes. She shows up in a red silk dress with a slit up to the thigh, crushed black velvet scarf, and designer handbag plus matching high-heels.

2. You rent. She outright owns two houses, one of which is on the campus where she lectures grad students on Finance.

3. Her dating profile states that she has postdoctoral work to her name, and she's looking for somebody with "graduate degrees" (note the plural) and you only barely qualify because you also scraped a Master's in Journalism.

4. English is not her first language and she doesn't understand irony or absurdist humor. English IS your first language and you find it hard to say anything that ISN'T irony or absurdist humor.

5. Every single one of your jokes prompts an extremely literal response from her. ("I do not believe that you were really being trailed by two honeytrap FBI agents who had mixed up their backstories in an amateurish mistake.")

6. She is the same age as you, and has already made the mental comparison between you and her, and has already decided that she's way beyond you, and furthermore has decided to be terribly nice and sympathetic and decent about it. "Oh, how cute! A two-person car! I used to own one when I was just starting out on my career too! No need to feel inadequate about it!"

7. The one single honest statement you make, she thinks is a joke. Here is the statement in context:

Her: Internet dating is for losers and socially inept people who are glued to their computer screens and can't get dates normally. A guy like you should not have to resort to that.

Me: You may not believe me, and I am definitely not proud of this, but you've basically given a perfect description of me right there.

Her (smiling broadly for the first time the whole evening): Ahhhh, you see? You DO have a sense of humor after all! ^__^

'>_>



Fortunately at the end of it all, she unwittingly pulled success from the jaws of abject failure with this little comment.

Her: You seem harmless enough. Give me a call some time and I'll introduce you to my single friends, okay?

Me: