YoungSquibble's scribbles

[Gonzoron of the FoS]

Seemed a shame to let such quality writing go to waste, so I'll collect all of "YoungSquibble"'s Spam-parody threads from the temporary board here.
(rumor has it that the "Lamordian Proposition 12" post contains a hidden hint regarding YoungSquibble's identity!) Enjoy!

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Raveslist: Missed Connections

Postby YoungSquibble
"Gabrielle Aderre - 12:44 p.m. April 9th. Call your dad."

Unpaid Alimony and Child Support Notice:

The Sheriff and Reeve of Knurl municipality do hereby summon you, one FIRAN ZAL'HONAN, to appear before the District Court of Family Affairs on the fifteenth day of April, for a full and frank accounting of your overdue CHILD SUPPORT PAYMENTS ONLY (SPOUSE DECEASED).

By our files, your account is overdue from the date of EIGHTH DAY OF SUNSEBB, in the Common Year of 308.

The total amount of CHILD SUPPORT PAYMENTS ONLY accrued, with interest at 4.5 per cent per annum, divided per month, is:

TWO HUNDRED AND EIGHTY FIVE MILLIONS, EIGHT HUNDRED AND SIXTY-FOUR THOUSANDS, THREE HUNDRED AND FORTY-FOUR crowns and TWO pence ONLY.

or

285,864,344.02 before accounting for inflation.

You may arrange payment by cash, check, or structured financing payments. Please note that continental drift, ice ages, and the death of the primary sun in the solar system may set in before your payments are completed - as such, you are responsible for notifying the Knurl Sheriff's Office of any change in your address.

I HAVE CAREFULLY READ AND UNDERSTAND THE FOREGOING. I UNDERSTAND THAT I HAVE A RIGHT TO A LEGAL PRACTITIONER OR TO PETITION A CAMPAIGN WRITER FOR A RETCON. UNDER PENALTY OF PERJURY I DO HEREBY SIGN BELOW, OR ELSE DO WAIVE MY RIGHTS OF APPEAL

The laws in your jurisdiction may have changed. Note that child support law is retroactively based on contemporaneous law. Thus, this notice is generated in accordance with the royal law of FIRAN ZAL'HONAN, Most Honored Azal'Lan of Knurl.

Postby Rotipher of the FoS
"SWM seeking SWF for moonlit jogs & dinner for 2."

"SWF interested. Seafood, Saturday?"

"OK, meet U here 7pm. Will have flowers, chocolates, & eviscerated sailor."

- Deposited in urine on large rock in Verbrek

Rotipher of the FoS

Postby YoungSquibble
Paid for by the Royal Office of Orphan Relocation

VIRGINS OF THE KINGDOM

Have YOU been craving really bizarre foods like spicy pickles and peppers?

Have YOU been gaining a lot of weight recently and going to the bathroom to spew forth chunder violently every morning?

Have YOU been feeling oddly hot and cold with no apparent environmental justification?

You may be PREGNANT.

Fortunately, your munificent and mighty King has freed up Treasury funds to assist in this crisis situation. Take your fetus, in its original packaging (you), to the nearest Kargat office and apply in triplicate for CHILDBIRTH. No costs up front - pay in steady increments over the next 18 years.

Free delivery.
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For Kazandra's approval: press release

postby YoungSquibble
CORPORATE MEMORANDUM

Embargoed for press release until 9 p.m., Il Aluk meridian. For domains lacking clockwork timepieces, refer to your local town crier.

From: Silesti al-Bhaadi, spokeswoman for United Brothels LLC

To: Our loyal customers, and all the friends we haven't met yet

Date: April 9

Re: Pre-apocalyptic tension? Say goodbye to it all in a UniBro establishment!

For the last twenty years, United Brothels LLC (Dementlieu stock exchange listing UNIBRO) has climbed over the competition to proudly take front stage pole position in the discreet gentleman's entertainment industry. With establishments like "The Heaving Corset" in Port-a-Lucine, "The Maiden's Bodice" in Karg, and "The Amazon's Girdle" in Lekar and other prominent holdings, the corporation's talented hostesses have become well-known (in many cases, Biblically) throughout the Core.

Our mission statement has focussed on two watchwords: customer service and customer satisfaction, keeping our clientele coming back for more. This will not change, even with the recent unpleasantness in Darkon, Dementlieu, Falkovnia, and Mordent. We fully intend to continue operating through the police emergencies, with minimal disturbance to our clientele and the relaxed, laid-back environment we've striven to create. (See attached flyer for minor changes in policy. The "Bring Your Own Toys" Saturday night specials may be discontinued owing to increased police control of personal ownership of weaponry, but our hostesses will be armed to the teeth to make up the difference.)

As you must be wondering, what is the cause of these recent doomsday events? World coming to an end? Gods are angry? Evil winning ascendancy over good in a final blow to the Manichean balance? Whatever the cause, enjoy it at the hands of our employees - all the moreso with a special discount for senior citizens! If you're going to go, go with a bang! TM registered in the state of Dementlieu, pending in Darkon.

United Brothels is a limited labiality company headquartered in the Cosmopolitan Club of Martira Bay, and is a recipient of taxpayer funding through the royal Temporary Apocalyptic Relief Program. So you may as well come on in and make use of the facilities. We've already screwed you, the taxpayer, anyway.

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Falkovnia strongly protests apocalypse, blames Darkon

postby YoungSquibble
Spearheading the growing political concern over the signs of the apocalypse, Falkovnian delegates voiced the anxieties of right-thinking citizens everywhere by pointing the finger firmly at Darkon.

"The seas have boiled over, the rivers are run red with blood, and the crocus did not bloom," said Falkovnian peace talk delegate Akhbil 'The Eviscerator' Aldunov. "We speak with the voice of enlightened monarchies everywhere in the Core when we seek a prudent economic response to the crisis, and demand to know what Darkon is going to do about it."

Throughout the Core, unnatural phenomena have hinted that another "Upheaval" may be in the making. The last known proven Upheaval occurred in 740, causing widespread climatological changes. Darkon is the Core's leading emitter of thaumatological excess dweomers, following centuries of government-sponsored breakneck magical development, and has refused to sign the plurilateral "Borca Protocol for the reduction of emissions from highly magical countries located in the northeastern Core".

Lamordian scientists have estimated the last Upheaval thinned the Sea of Sorrow winter ice by two inches, causing unprecedented rainfall on the Isle of Agony. When contacted at press time, Isle press spokesman and sole resident Adam - who like many Isle citizens goes by only one name - complained that the weather changes have had long lasting effects on his rustic lifestyle.

"It used to be I could venture into the heartlands, murder a few blondes, and drag their lifeless corpses back to my ice-locked demesne to play weird games with the bodies," he said. "Now with the influx of backpackers and thrillseekers, I'm constantly being disturbed to pose for daguerrotypes and portraits. It's getting hard to keep a low profile."

Head of the Ludendorff Center For Meteorology, Dean Ersel von Dangelbeer, stated that causation was not yet proven between the previous Upheaval and the current mysterious phenomena.

"The last time, a number of ruling political heads simply vanished," he said, "and the very laws of physics changed." Nothing so drastic has appeared this time, he said.

But not all experts agree. Herr Smegbert Klaggnut, a brilliant former academician currently serving a life sentence at the Alttempelhof Sanitarium for murder, cannibalism, incest with strangers, and practicing medicine on an expired permit, ranted and raved to rapt faithful about his wild theories. "See the background color change! See an altered URL, and the requirement of registering a new userpass! Is it not clear that this is the result of some ungodly server side error?! THE CROCODILES ARE CRAWLING UP UNDER MY WALLPAPER!!!111eleven111!!1"

Governments have already implemented strong measures to control the crisis, with mixed results. Lamordia opened a bond offering to noblemen, and extended a one-year tax forgiveness for all citizens without real property. Dementlieuvian Finance Minister Hortense d'Entavis stated that her nation's treasury was seeking a compromise with industry, especially on the sensitive issues of fodder prices for horse-drawn vehicles, low-interest serfdom labor repayment plans, and government seizure of all outstanding liquidated brothel assets. This comes in stark contrast with the Falkovnian government's measures to control inflation and provide new jobs, which is to muster a 200,000-man army and deploy to the Darkonian border, with further reinforcement and levies expected.

Explaining the move, Falkovnian Truth-and-Reconciliations Committee Head, Rostoven 'The Decapitator' Blandichev, said that every moment of silence from the Darkonian government about the previous Darkonian invasions of Falkovnia, Borca, Dementlieu, and Richemulot is a further offense to the citizens of the Core, robbing them of closure and clarity.

"The citizens of the Core deserve to know the truth," he said, "and that means a full accounting of how the Darkonians snuck over the border in small groups of one to two million each, stole our uniforms, and then declared war against our neighbors on four separate occasions in a cowardly plan to discredit Falkovnia's good name and foment riot and discord among the Core's good people." Blandichev later appeared at a torchlit rally in the capital, Lekar, burning books to show his support for the Education Minister's 'No Peon Left Behind' initiative.

Although Falkovnia's monarch, Königführer Vlad 'The Hawk' Drakov, is notoriously silent, inside aides have reported that he is examining all possible solutions to the economic crisis and has invested a massive government spending program in stealth halberds. Such spending, according to the Lekar Courier - widely seen as a de facto government mouthpiece - will be curtailed only if Darkonian diplomats return to the bargaining table and accord Falkovnian delegates the dialogue as equals that they demand.

Meanwhile, insider sources at Avernus have reported that the Darkonian high command's response is "Vlad who?"
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All citizens will remain calm and rational. On pain of death

postby YoungSquibble
The recent teleological and meteorological phenomena are no cause for alarm. They fall into the usual ranges of behavior for temporary psychosomatecumenicalopolic perturbation in the lateral chronopause with polybility-inversion through astral malprojection. The primary effect of this is to manipulate the quanta of existence, but beyond that there is very little likelihood of total universal probability failure. Those citizens who wish to contribute insights and assistance to their liege may do so by reporting to any Kargat recruitment station in their area - please bring a fresh blood sample and parental consent form (for those below age 18).

Citizens are reminded that the Office of the Monarch does not answer eschatological questions. Please direct your questions concerning unscientific post-hoc rationalizations, logically bankrupt attempts to explain phenomena beyond your feeble observational skills, and any predatory faith-based exploitative profiteering schemes preying on the emotional vulnerability of a cowed and illiterate populace to the Office of the Eternal Order.
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Ask your doctor (van Richten) about "LUNESTA"

postby YoungSquibble
...the powerful new sleep drug! Guaranteed free of the habit-forming problems of top competitors Ambien, Nytol, and morphine. Sleep through the LOUDEST of Gothic thunderstorms, ironic church collapses, and creaking sounds of your suspension of disbelief at the latest campaign retcons!

Ask your doctor about LUNESTA... But don't get its name mixed up with LEVITRA, or it'll keep you up all night.
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Vote YES for Lamordian Prop 12. You have to. For the kids.

Postby YoungSquibble
The cries are growing louder and more insistent, as the pressure mounts for Lamordia to legalize licensed prostitutes. In the wake of Proposition 12 - legislation to raise corn tariffs and legalize prostitution - Neufurchtenberg-based nationalists and liberals alike agree that in order to truly assert its waning cultural influence on the Core, the Lamordian government must allow its homegrown street walkers, currently eking out an existence in fringe markets, to enter the mainstream.

Statistics released by the Office of Monetary and Fiscal Goals (OMFG) suggest that despite hosting the Core's largest populace of post-educated citizens (23% global populace), the level lewd conduct involving Lamordian citizens engaged for monetary gain makes up for only a paltry 1-2% of total current bongo activity. That's compared to 87% negotiable affections featuring Nova Vaasan prostitutes, who make up only 3.5% of the Core's educated populace; and 10% total prostitution involving former Invidian socialite Gabrielle Aderre, who makes up 0.0000006% of the global census.

Knocking-shop entrepreneurs of various northern Core nations have jumped at the chance to fill the market demand for naked but vaguely-Lamordian-seeming bodies, flooding the industry with models of greater cost or regional variations thereof. Said Dementlieu economic analyst Yves Cloquet, "If the Lamordian government could lift its protectionist state run tariffs and checks, a blossoming domestic fleshpot industry could be well on its way to fairly profound market penetration by 760." He then failed to keep a straight face and snickered briefly. "Hah. Hah. 'Penetration'. Hah. Hah."

Concerned parents, clergy representatives, and conservative politicians have spoken out on the issue of the twelve-minute-bride industry, which they feel could hurt public morals.

"We believe strongly that fornication is a sin, and that it is indefensible for a man to know a woman, Biblically, before they are married," said Templar Jürgen Julesson. "Abstaining from a sausage-and-donut situation before marriage is vitally important. It prepares people for the lawful state of matrimony, after which they won't particularly want have sex anyway."

One unexpected ally to the prostitution industry comes in the form of Universität historian Adelwulf von Trippenbolls, who asserted that Lamordian historical pride could benefit from more ladies of the night. According to him, sexual liberties of previous false histories are the stuff of legends.

"I want to see my Vaterland great again," he said, lips moving out of sync with the poorly dubbed voiceover translation. "And I only know that that will have been accomplished when I see Lamordian sailors on the high seas, Lamordian musketeers at the borders, and Lamordian courtesans engaging in the world's oldest profession in the disreputable nooks and crannies of our fine cities."

Home-grown grape-peelers are no new thing. Most analysts cite to the runaway success of the Nova Vaasan industry, which proves that an early entrant can quickly fill the available market void, spanning majestically across the northern Core. Because Lamordia is a latecomer, however, it faces a very stiff challenge if its professionals want to break the Nova Vaasan stranglehold. While ambitious, tentative plans to catapult a Lamordian courtesan industry have met with two obstacles. Regardless of funding, there is a lack of a charismatic leader to spearhead the main thrust. On the intellectual property side, fears of rampant piracy are widespread for a coastal nation. The Lamordian government is said to be in talks with Darkonian-born singer Ardellia Borlest and Martira Bay-based artist Isolde Danaszynski to promote border osmosis. Estelle Lavency, a Dementlieuvian madame, has been brought in for licensing talks and for mid-level management expertise. Tight security surrounds the talks, and as such the full scope of the sordid details are hard to come by. However, early leaks indicate an acrimonious split, with rumors that the Darkonian endorsers pulled out after a bout of cold feet. In the interim, a Richmuloise invester has been sought to provide the necessary backing. Stay tuned for future clues as we report them.

Darkonian monarch Azalin Rex was busy tormenting quarks at his Avernus laboratory and was unavailable for comment.

[Le Noir Faineant]

Thanks, Ron!

This is some of the funniest stuff I read around here ever since Gemathustra last visited the maison!