Night Song discussion

[Desertrising]

I figure since it seems everyone else does it, I might as well. This thread is for discussing my fiction. Basically this is all going to be written off the top of my head so I have no real idea where the story is going. I do have some general concepts, and it will be a low magic dark fantasy story. Let me know what you think even if it is negative.

[HuManBing]

A good start, in media res. What could be in the message? What's the nature of the master - is he cruel, or is he just a stern man? And where did the two saviors suddenly emerge from? All questions that compel further reading!

One thing I would suggest is to tightly proofread for word order and punctuation. The reader's eye is a fickle mistress, and it may only take a sentence or two that don't quite scan right the first time, to throw the reader off the trail entirely. If you have time and inclination, weigh a few commas or dashes to separate subordinate clauses, and try to restructure sentences to avoid the passive voice (unless it's dramatically appropriate). These are all little things and shouldn't detract from your creativity but they do help a harried reader enjoy things more smoothly! This is especially vital in action sequences, such as the hold-up scene, when your reader will be trying to follow the flow of several quick events. You want these to be as clear as possible, with sentences going pretty much chronologically (and thus really minimize passive tense if you are able).

A few issues are typographical - "hears of stone" instead of "ears of stone" and "traveling about the path's of the woods" instead of "paths of the wood". These can be picked out with simple proofreading.


Obviously I don't present these in the capacity of a nagger. I'm just a fellow writer, who's tripped over a couple of brambles in this fan fiction forest, and I'm looking to point out where they are to newcomers!

[Desertrising]

Thank you very much for your comments. I do appreciate when people point out ways I could improve.

You are right, normally in my writing process I just get the idea out, then I go back and check for active voice and make sure the mechanics are tight. I also find myself often writing in a vacuum with little input from other people and really wanted to see if the members of the board would be so kind as to throw in their opinions. I can see that they are and I am greatly appreciative.

Again HuManBing, thank you so much for your constructive and useful comments, please feel free to keep them coming as I work on this story. I will most likely edit the first post this evening and if you would be so inclined to provide feedback again, I would be much appreciative.