Ask a darklord

JinnTolser · Post by **JinnTolser** » Fri Sep 18, 2009 1:09 am

Shinpi: *sob*

Dear Azrael:

Are you even allowed to answer this question? After all, this is the Ask a Darklord topic.

A G Thing · Post by **A G Thing** » Mon Sep 21, 2009 10:23 am

Azrael: Of course I can answer... If other far more esoteric creatures of the night can answer such questions can answer and Lord Soth can show back up to answer than certainly I can... But just this one time as I am riding through the only part of Sithicus that gets four bars consistantly... An.w...a...y I.... w....lll ta.....k...lat........

Dear Ivana: Are there any severe hygiene/health issues with have poison corrupt your entire self? Does your bathwater become poisoned? Do you constantly need to apply some sort of perfume to fight the smell of decaying microbial bacteria? Does your food perhaps always taste funny? Others perhaps of a more serious nature not listed here?

HuManBing · Post by **HuManBing** » Mon Sep 21, 2009 3:02 pm

Actually, the poisonous secretions prevent bacteria from ever gathering on me, so it's pretty decent all told. I strongly suspect that after I die, they could just insert me into the ground as I am and I'd still be recognizably pristine centuries on because not even microbes are particularly interested in eating me.

Dear Hazlik: A friend of mine got a Chinese tattoo thinking it meant "brave" or "unbeatable". But it later turns out it actually means "when two people are together, this is the yielding one". Now he wants to get it removed. Do you have any experience with feminine tattoos, and if so, could you advise my friend on how to remove them? He's at 215-555-8350 and he's single, 6'3", 215 lbs. with firm biceps, chiselled abs, and moist, soulful eyes that you could lose yourself and a whole world in.

Rotipher of the FoS · Post by **Rotipher of the FoS** » Mon Sep 21, 2009 6:19 pm

Hazlik: Er... well... I, er...

{{Stammers on for a little while, turning beet red with embarassment, then darts from the room to go take a cold shower.}}

Dear Addar,

Do you feel you've been neglected on this thread because of human prejudice against quadrupeds, or is it out of general disdain for non-canon darklords?

A G Thing · Post by **A G Thing** » Thu Sep 24, 2009 2:55 pm

Addar: How can I be non cannon? Just because I am a fallen Unicorn in a shadowy forest and no one can really relate well to my backstory does not mean I should be relegated to the same bin of losers as, Sheriff Von Zarovich or the very effeminate Strahd clone who is interested in seamanship on a lake. I may have a very weak story but I... Well I... It can be said that I...

Hmmm?!?!?!

On second thought, it is most definitely the quadruped prejudice thing! Yeah that was it all along!

Dear Isolde

Have you ever considered a new approach to tracking your nemesis? Perhaps changing tactics completely or maybe finding a new way of using the raw talent you now have available to find him? I know your presence is announced before hand and that but can you perhaps do something more proactive to catch him? I imagine the Carnival loses some of it's appeal if you are stuck with it for eternity and I doubt you want to wait that long...

cure · Post by **cure** » Thu Sep 24, 2009 3:37 pm

Isolde: Well, I did try seducing him, but that proved to be unsatisfying in every respect.

Dear Vecna: How would you rate the eldritch competency of former fellow Darklords such as Azalin, Meredoth, Hazlin, Strahd, Gabrielle, and so forth? Granted, you eclipse the lot of them utterly, but would you deem at least some of them to be fit for menial tasks in your employ, say dusting the bat guano?

HuManBing · Post by **HuManBing** » Tue Oct 27, 2009 10:58 pm

Vecna: I am, as you correctly point out, far superior to all of those darklords in magical skill. However, how much superior is hard to say. I have never personally witnessed any of them casting spells, so any answer I could give you would necessarily be based on conjecture - which I prefer not to engage in, as it's inherently inaccurate.

If only, O if only... there were some sort of linear numerical progression model that one could make of relative power levels and skills. And furthermore if only there were some sort of detailed structural iterative table that one could refer to for spell puissance.

Dear Sodo: You claim to understand people, because you walk amongst them as an alien interloper in the world of men. But answer me this: which of the following items will sell for the most on an auction? DMGII, Heroes of Battle, Ruins of Greyhawk, Draconomicon, and Book of Erotic Fantasy?

cure · Post by **cure** » Wed Oct 28, 2009 3:45 pm

Sodo: If said items are available for pick up, then in the end they would all fetch the seller the same price, mainly an icepick through the brain. Otherwise, it is difficult to say.

Dear Vecna: What is your fondest memory from your time spent in the Demiplane of Dread?

A G Thing · Post by **A G Thing** » Thu Oct 29, 2009 12:40 pm

Vecna: My fondest and perhaps only fond memory of that place is the day I trounced the so called "Dark Powers" and escaped their little culdesac of failures... Of note is that I now build new pleasant memories by opening little portals back to the Dread Realms and sending little notes to Azalin. Everyday that I don't get a reply brings a little bit of delight and just the other day I wondered what Azalin does with all the new spells I send him.

Dear Death

Why do you think that you are trapped in a rather limited fashion, and have such a small domain? You obviously have a lot of power, so why do you think that you don't still have some living subjects to rule over? Is it something you have some control over, because I for one think that the change to a less fatal domain effect could expand both the scope of your lands and bring up tourism as well!!! It's not like Death needs to fear any sort of adventuring parties or such, and it could "liven" things up a bit!

VAN · Post by **VAN** » Fri Oct 30, 2009 8:11 pm

Death: Are you out of your mind! This is the best place ever! You cannot hear voices, birds anything! Only...PEACE!

Dear Strahd:

Seriously now, for how long do you think people in Barovia will still believe that you are not the same person and just a descendant that just look like very much with the previous Strahd Von Zarovich!

A G Thing · Post by **A G Thing** » Mon Nov 02, 2009 12:53 pm

Strahd: Look as you can plainly see, changing my image has been a lot harder than you think. I mean lets face it, in that my looks have gone out of date for the average Barovian Females tastes, and when I try to move on to something different, everyone questions my sexuality. So they may have to just deal with my rather Bela Lugosi stylings for the next several generations. Besides, my lady likes my style... Most of the time anyways...

Dear Drakov:

In a contest between you and the Gentleman Caller, who do you think has had more conquests in bed? And secondly who has the most children do you think?

Rock of the Fraternity · Mon Nov 09, 2009 5:29 am

A G Thing wrote:Dear Drakov:

In a contest between you and the Gentleman Caller, who do you think has had more conquests in bed? And secondly who has the most children do you think?

It's definitely me, on both counts. Think about it: the Gentleman Caller has only been going after gypsies for years, whereas I embrace the vast scope of womanhood. Unlike him, I have an interest in human women from all peoples ... um ... who fit my preferences. And as anyone can see that I am a real man, I obviously have more children than that petty fiend.

Ebb and Gloom, I understand congratulations are in order for your eggs! What's the first thing you're going to do with the little nippers once they hatch? Maybe attack a major Darkonian city?

HuManBing · Post by **HuManBing** » Mon Nov 09, 2009 9:03 am

Ebb: We're not sure, actually. I'm thinking of group parenting if possible - you know, make friends with a few other dragons in the area who understand the importance of early autonomy and non-attachment parenting. It helps if they're politically fiscally conservative, too, because as we are both dragons and therefore top-bracket earners, we do not want to see our taxes used for roads, sewers, and houses and all the other expensive building construction projects that dragons don't use.

However, Gloom is still confused and thinks Darkon is the same realm as the one where he grew up. So he is planning, as you put it, a more hands-on approach to child rearing: mainly teaching them the fundamentals of human interaction and torture, rapine, immolation, and the murder of innocent hundreds with a monthly tribute of tender slow-grilled virgins. While I feel this would fulfill our household nutritional demands nicely, I believe it overlooks much of the subtleties - not least that humans are actually pretty damn crafty and won't stand for this for long, and also that one particular specimen living (if that is even the right word) in Avernus is both a) extremely powerful so as not to be trifled with, and b) bound to put a violent and unpleasant end to this very quickly without asking questions and utterly without any sense of humor.

Speaking of which...

Dear Azalin: How's the renovations to the old Dragon Tower coming along now that I've got my own place? Also, I need your advice. On child rearing. When your mate hatched her eggs, did you allow your spawn to fight with each other over food, or did you intentionally save even the runts with a supply of resources? And also, what were your financial plans - did you intend to fully support higher education costs, or are you the sort who would only make a partial contribution, so as to teach them the value of hard work?

MDSnowman · Post by **MDSnowman** » Mon Nov 09, 2009 6:52 pm

HuManBing wrote: Dear Azalin: How's the renovations to the old Dragon Tower coming along now that I've got my own place? Also, I need your advice. On child rearing. When your mate hatched her eggs, did you allow your spawn to fight with each other over food, or did you intentionally save even the runts with a supply of resources? And also, what were your financial plans - did you intend to fully support higher education costs, or are you the sort who would only make a partial contribution, so as to teach them the value of hard work?

Would that my spawn were actually hatched. I would provide the whelp resources to survive for the time being, if only until you can determine if they will prove to be a worthy successor. If not, kill them, clone them, and begin again.
As for financials my spawn, should they survive until adulthood, deserve an education if only because they are an extension of myself and as the king of Darkon my blood demands the best that the peasentry can offer.

Also, I want your key to Avernus back.

Dear Elena Faith-hold:
I hear you have a Wolf problem, care to explain the details? I understand that Ivan Dragonov is good for that kind of thing.

cure · Post by **cure** » Tue Nov 10, 2009 2:06 pm

I deny, deny categorically, that there is a problem, that there is so much as the fately putrid odour of a problem. Those are unfounded rumours, vicious unfounded rumours, spread by infidels, seeking to end our way of life, to devour our new born babies, to suck out the very merrow of our every last bone. It is an enemy of the people, the state, of God, of myself who would say such things. Off then to the dungeons with you, where you will cough up, among other things, every last detail about this Dragonov fellow.

Dear Vecna,

What career advice could you offer to a fledgling, but aspiring, young necromancer?

Café de Nuit

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