Café de Nuit

Dominic: My favorite breakfast would be grilled Brain! That would make my day perferct! But since it cannot be possible right now, I just drink my coffee and wait...

Dear Harkon Lucas: What do you respond at those who say that Jack Nickolson was more convincing wolf than you?

Harkon Lucas: I'd say that there's a lot more to conveying the subtle nuances and deeply-evocative subtext of the sophisticated lupine mindset than piddling on your co-star's shoes.



Dear Lord Soth,

Are you sorry you didn't stomp that revolting little dwarf/badger/psycho lackey who used to work for you into dog food, when you had the chance? Also, anything to say to all these other losers, who are still stuck in their domains?

Soth: Why would I regret that? Since when did forgetting my objectives to turn around and punish infidelity ever steered me wrong? To the other darklords: Escape isn't all it's cracked up to be. As soon as I got back, this girl showed up, goes "Takhsis this! Takhsis that!" and then dropped a building on me!

Dear Morgoroth, what is your opinion on "roofies" ?

They matter not when you are dead.

(Lame? Maybe...)

Capt. Van Riese: Where's the bathroom?

Answer:

Two Tepestani were stuck on the Nocturnal Sea in a lifeboat. There was no vessel, island, or anything else within 100 miles. The only thing they see is a lone brass lamp, drifting in the sea.

One Tepestani reaches out and rubs the lamp, and a genie comes out, offering to grant him one wish and one wish only.

The Tepestani looks at his friend, and they both nod.

"I wish for the entire sea to be filled with the finest meelkaubrau!" he said.

The genie clapped his hands and the sea was, indeed, now filled with the finest meelkaubrau.

The two Tepestanis drank their fill from the sea and then belched contentedly. However, at length one of them nudged the other and said, "I think we have just done something really foolish."

"Why?" asked his friend.

"Well, just look! What are we going to pee in now?"

That should be the answer in there somewhere.

Question: Dear Azalin, now that you're occupying Irik's body and the likelihood of him returning is slim, why don't you get on S's case instead and make her into a ruler? She fits the "strict, merciless hardnose" template fairly well...



Edit: Haha! Sylaire! Ninja'd! Ninja'd! Even if you are a pirate...! :p

Ahrrr! It do be over th' side, where I be throwin' ye fer askin' such a stupid question, matey!

(Actually, it's generally in the fo'c's'le.)

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EDIT: Could somebody please close the borders of Rokushima Taiyoo, please?

Azalin: I would, except that then I would have to start my Grand Scheme all over again with Gazetteer I, and everyone I asked said they would rather be a rotting corpse serving on the front lines against Drakov's next invasion rather than visit Lamordia during what they colloquially refer to as "mosquito summer." Something about preferring to be sucked dry by a decent vampire attack if they had to go by exsanguination...

On the other hand, thank you for the suggestion; army recruitment is at an all-time high!

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Dear Meredoth: Have you considered upgrading to Barovian Express for your body delivery service? "For the dead travel fast" is our motto! Remember...it's Barovian Express, when it absolutely, positively has to be there before sunrise!

Meredoth:

Fat lot of good that would do me! In case you missed the Nocturnal Sea weather-reports, I haven't seen the sun since I got here.




Dear Lyron Evensong,

Ever considered giving up the harpsichord for stand-up comedy?



[Oh, and BTW:

"Well, just look! What are we going to pee in now?"

Inside the genie's lamp might be a good start, if only to motivate it to grant another wish.... ]

Hey! I've been working on some material just for that chance. It'll kill ya, I promise. So I just came in from the cold, and boy are my arms tired. I used to play piano, but my lounge singer stiffed me. I tried jazz for a while, but the patrons told me I ain't got no soul.

Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all night. FOR A HUNDRED YEARS.
Ba-dum-bum.

Dear Laveeda: I just met this really sweet guy, we've dated a few times, nothing serious. Yet. I'd like to know what he feels about us, you know, going steady, but he kinda gets all tense when I bring up relationships. I'm also kinda concerned about the looks he's giving my sister. How do I ask him to stay with me? Am I just worried over nothing?

Laveeda says:

The best advice I ever heard for relationships came from "Jimmy the Saint", played by Andy Garcia in "Things to do in Denver when you're dead". He said the following to his unborn son via videotape:

"Make a list of the 10 things that matter the most to you. Don't hope to find somebody with all 10. That's impossible. But if you find somebody with maybe five or six of those things, you're doing pretty good. You were on my list."

So before you do anything drastic, ask yourself what things are important to you... and I don't mean any sense of duty, or any sense of social status or anything external like that. First, get a handle on what YOU want to be, the person YOU want to become... and then mark down 10 things that can lead you to becoming that person. If your boyfriend has five or six of those, you're doing well. The rest you can try to find support from elsewhere.

Hope this helps, and if it turns out for the better, then hey! Good work girl! And if it doesn't, you can always slit his throat, dismember his body, and make a nice stew out of the manflesh.

Paprika goes well with it.


To Malus Scleris:

I'm hoping to grow a garden in my small backyard (I live in the city) but my knees aren't what they used to be so I find it hard to bend down. Also my neighbors jump over the fence every so often and flamethrower my plants. How can I solve the problem of accessibility for me, while depriving natural predators like the neighbors?

Malus: Sounds like you are risking your life by taking care of a group of weeds. Save yourself the trouble and toss out your dreams of becoming a gardener. Nothing is worth your life.

To the Gentleman Caller: Are you afraid of catching AIDS?

GC: Of course! Why do you think I havn't had my way with every single woman in the land of mists? I have to do all this research on them first to make sure they're "safe". That's alot of time to invest in one woman and, frankley, not all of them are worth it.

Dear Hive Queen, how did you like Pirates 3?

HQ: Crunchy. Needs ketchup.



Dear Captain van Riese-

What's a guy gotta do to net some shore leave, huh?

Cap'n: Start swimming.


Jack Karn, I'm looking for a good place to stretch out and relax for a couple weeks. Any suggestions?

Why don't you try the village of Barovia? They have some excellent local hotels there. Or better yet, why not just ask the friendly domain lord to put you up for the night in his castle? I'm sure Strahd wouldn't mind . . .

Dear Lord Soth: Exactly how long has it been since you've taken off that ridiculous helmet and washed that fetid hair of your's? Better yet, when's the last time you've taken a shower?

OMG, what the smell must be . . .

Soth: I talke a shower in the blood of my enemies every day, thank you. As for my hair, something had to go when I was hit by holy fire.

Dear Azalin, Rabbit season or Duck season?