Café de Nuit

Granted. You find yourself in Pearl Harbor during the year of 1941. BOOM, you're a red splat.

I wish that I my sentience was being degraded by at the very least, Attractive Emo chicks.

Attractive emo chicks talk to you for hours on "what's indie" and "what's not indie". Some days later your arrested for the murder of fourteen attractive emo chicks with a butcher knife and a Fall Out Boy cd.

And your never aloud in Hot Topic again.

I wish Mtv would go off the air.

Granted! MtV studios from all over the world are landed on you with a speed of 12 miles/second.

I wish all other sentient life would be eradicated around my unharmed self!

Granted. Provided you are unharmed, other sentient life will be eradicated.

So as to save all sentient life in existence, Ezra nows continually beats you senseless with an anvil, whilst saying "Bad Cephalopod! No subdual damage for you!" for the rest of eternity. As added punishment, MTV is playing in the background.

I wish Drusilla could properly fix ScS's brain.

OUCH! Granted! OOOH! She manages to substitude ... WOOO! ... his brain with yours. OOWH!

(You have no brain now except some tiny fragments from ScS brain dropped in your skull)

AAAH! I wish Ezra would ... OOOUCH! ... disappear along with all the anvils in the world! OOOWH!

Granted! The band Better Than Ezra takes over, and they use cinder blocks instead of anvils.

EDIT: I wish I hadn't almost forgotten to wish.

(Protected in a forcecage as cinderblocks rain about)
Granted! You have instead almost forgotten how to drive! So your car is wrecked in a car accident since you remembered a couple of things about driving in order to use the car but not enough to avoid the accident.

I wish I had an obedient, loyal and useful beholder as a pet.

Granted.

But the municipal pet license costs $3500/year.

I wish I had more money.

Granted.
Bam!
You have one trillion Congolese bank notes. They are printed with your picture on them and are completely worthless. You can't even use them as toilet paper or burn them for warmth. If you want to exchange them, you'll have to pay the UN to destroy them - at a cost of about $3/note.

I wish life was more like Reno 911.

ScS of the Fraternity wrote:Granted.
Bam!
You have one trillion Congolese bank notes. They are printed with your picture on them and are completely worthless. You can't even use them as toilet paper or burn them for warmth. If you want to exchange them, you'll have to pay the UN to destroy them - at a cost of about $3/note.

I wish life was more like Reno 911.

Granted,
Life now soley exists on monday evenings for an hour and moments are prone to repetition for a certain block of time each year.

I wish I had a design internship already!

Granted! But all the people you work with are sadistic, kitten-eating serial killers, whose greatest pleasure in life is making yours miserable.

I wish I was physically fit.

Granted! You're physically fit for a man of your new age: 106 years old! You can even listen somewhat from your left ear and walk half-way towards the WC before you forget why you are in the hall!

I wish I had personally killed twelve dragon wyrms and their followers, progeny, friends, allies and everyone that cared about their well being.

Granted. You buy numerous copies of the monster manual, and are very good job at destroying some very select pages. WOTC takes the money you blindly spent on their books, and uses it to publish "Van Richten's guide to Drizzit Du'Urden".

... *looks back at what he just wrote*:? I need sleep.

I wish I could get some sleep. Go ahead, turn me into an ancient dead or something.

Undead Cabbage wrote: I wish I could get some sleep. Go ahead, turn me into an ancient dead or something.

No, that would be very classic.

Granted. You become a sleeping beauty in a coffin, in a tall tower and of course a dragon flies outside protecting the tower. You will awake only if an ugly peasant kiss you.

I wish Brad Pitt dumps A.Jolie and falls in love with me!

Granted, but he then dumps you in favor of yet another person.

I wish someone would discover a cure for cancer.