Ravenloft's Mr. Welch List

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yaoihuntressearth
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Ravenloft's Mr. Welch List

Post by yaoihuntressearth »

I was reading the Mr. Welch list (https://theglen.livejournal.com/16735.html) and I felt inspired to do some Ravenloft themed ones and you can feel free to add your own (I think they might have some of mine in it).

-If my Sourange PC takes on the personality of Blanche Devereaux, the DM will swallow them with the mists. This goes double if they're male.
-Sailor Scout is not a core class in Ravenloft.
-I will refrain from calling Victor Mordenheim, "not Dr. Frankenstein".
-Nor can I call Strahd, "not Dracula".
-No matter how good I look in drag, I am not the latest incarnation Tatyana.
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Re: Ravenloft's Mr. Welch List

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-I will not try the "fake throwing the ball" trick with werewolves (or wolfweres)
-If I roll to seduce the dead again, I will be given the "Necrophile" path of corruption
-I will not keep asking if everything is in black and white
-Jeff Bezos is not a valid darklord
-I am never allowed to use a Jim-Jones based darklord ever again
-I will not ask if its spaghetti sauce on their clothes
-The Apparatus will not be refered to as "The Horcrux Machine"
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Re: Ravenloft's Mr. Welch List

Post by yaoihuntressearth »

-If I'm in Gehenna, will not have BBQs in front of the civilians.
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Re: Ravenloft's Mr. Welch List

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-I am not allowed to hunt vampires by dressing orphan children in explosives-laden clothing and then pointing out "Grandpa" from a safe distance. Yes, I know we all laughed (even the vampire) but please stop... :cry:

-There is nothing wrong with playing a 'perfectly modern Suffragette'-type character. It is still decidedly wrong to publicly challenge the serial killer to a 'Body Count Contest' via the Town Criers... :(

-The Apparatus is not the same thing as the 'Apparatus of Kwalish' and it is wrong to deliberately confuse anyone over this.Especially the Alchemist. And yes, Charming the Alchemist into believing 'The Devilfish Strahd' was waiting for him 'under the sea' did have a certain 'Twilight Zone' twist to it, but c'mon...

-Speaking of which, it is only hilarious to hunt Alfred Timothy with the Apparatus of Kwalish the one time-for Dark Power's Sake's people, i've still got the Jaws theme running through my head... :evil:

-Please stop trying to convince the Calibans that they "are only one Make-over away" from social acceptance. I AM making the resultant soul-crushing results worthy of a Powers Check. :oops:

-The following musical instruments will never be allowed within a thousand leagues of Harkon Lucas:
-didgeridoo
- bullroarer
-alpine tuba
-bagpipes
-accordion

-Mass producing simulacra based on your least-favorite politicians and then teleporting them into Bluetspur isn't as funny as you think it is...I assure you that the Illithid do not 'get the joke' and do not appreciate the concept of 'diet food' . Furthermore, if they get hungry or angry enough to invade the nearby Lowlands again gets who gets the blame? :x And yes, that goes double for Zombies with their brains replaced with actual tapioca...stop taunting the illithid Brain Pool you idiots!

-Okay, i'll admit that dealing with the entire Ghoul Warren via a massive Animate Dead and having them march West ringing dinner bells was, indeed, gut-splittingly hilarious. Still, you can't blame the village from exiling your Party come sunrise... :roll:

-You have to understand that introducing Tomato Juice to the Vampyre Den wasn't going to make them any less predatory, no matter how much they liked the flavor as a 'palate-cleanser'-a Vampyre can't not drink blood and still survive... sorry.

-Please do not introduce Toben the Many to any of the following concepts:
-musical theatre
-"Row Row Row Your Boat" or any variant thereof
-Line Dancing
-Military Cadences
-The Assembly Line
-The concept of the 'Flash Mob'

-I have officially Changed History so that you idiots did NOT introduce Frantisek Markov to the art of Pablo Picasso! Have you no decency? At long last, have you no decency... :cry: :cry: :cry:
"And did she ever come out?"
"Not Yet".
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order99
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Re: Ravenloft's Mr. Welch List

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-Congratulations! Your replacing of the Richemulot road markers with "This way to the House of Mouse!" has captured the imaginations of every 'clued-in' resident of said Realm....now the bad news? The Renier sisters are NOT laughing...

The Darklord of Falkovnia will find out who snuck into several border garrisons and replaced his noble 'Hawk's Head' emblems with pictures of Tweety Bird-and no, he's not dumb enough to start a war over it, not when he has enough mercenaries to ensure your eventual Impalement... :twisted:

Okay, credit where credit is due-your usage of a Flesh Golem with Detachable Head really perplexed the Undead Daylights out of the Headless Horseman-for about a week. Pretty much a record unbroken so far...

There is no such spell, procedure, ceremony, Alchemy or Devil's Pact that will ever re-create the Dread Mobile Castle Golem! I specifically advanced the Grand Conjunction by ten years and rendered the Prophecy into nonsense doggerel just to undo that horrible thing...how could you? How could you?!?! YOU MADE THE DARK POWERS FEEL PAIN! HOW DARE YOU....

-How do I put this delicately...making a Critical Control Undead check and temporarily stealing them from the Zombie Master...impressed him. And having them dance while the Bard played 'Thriller' on his banjo was honestly the first time the Darklord actually laughed in decades....but even so, um-don't go back to Sourange, ever....

Oh merciful Darklords, listen up-"I Am the Land" is a metaphor! You cannot actually kill Strahd by carpet-bombing his beloved Barovia with Meteor Strikes, Insect Plagues and Weather Control! The 'Devil Strahd' could probably Out himself as a Vampire Darklord right this very minute and Barovia will likely pull out a marching band and cheerleaders! And while i'm on the subject, you all fail Eleventy-Quadrillion Powers Checks, welcome to your new Realm of Dumbass, population...YOU.

Hmmmm....okay, I know that some of you are pretty new at this Gothic Horror Adventure genre, but-see all those Wandering Monsters I rolled up just now? Notice how none of them are actually attacking your Party? Notice the fascinated stares, the nodding, the whispers back and forth? How some of them are taking notes and making sketches? Well Boys and Girls, this is my oh-so-subtle indicator that YOU ARE DEFINITELY FAILING A POWERS CHECK RIGHT NOW! AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!! :evil:
Last edited by order99 on Mon Aug 02, 2021 12:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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"Not Yet".
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Re: Ravenloft's Mr. Welch List

Post by Mistmaster »

You meant the Darklord of Falkovnia there, did you Order99?
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Re: Ravenloft's Mr. Welch List

Post by order99 »

Mistmaster wrote:You meant the Darklord of Falkovnia there, did you Order99?
I did indeed, but alas I was quivering with righteous wrath at the time... :oops:
"And did she ever come out?"
"Not Yet".
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Re: Ravenloft's Mr. Welch List

Post by yaoihuntressearth »

-My male Valachan PC is not allowed to go to other domains and ask, "Where the white women at?".
-No, Baron Urik von Kharkov does not like catnip.
-While the DM is on the subject, I can't call him "Blackula", either.
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Re: Ravenloft's Mr. Welch List

Post by yaoihuntressearth »

-No matter how funny if would be, I can not try to convince Ivan and Ivana to settle their differences on the Jerry Springer Show.
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Re: Ravenloft's Mr. Welch List

Post by Rock of the Fraternity »

I should not be laughing this hard... XD
But I am!
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Re: Ravenloft's Mr. Welch List

Post by yaoihuntressearth »

Going back to the last post...
-Nor can I ask Nostalia Romaine to flash her tits for Jerry-Beads.
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Re: Ravenloft's Mr. Welch List

Post by KingCorn »

--The Caller is a horrific, fiendish monster not "if Tinder were a guy. And that guy was kinda like Megnala"
--The Lord of Sourange is Anton Misroi, not Huey Long
--You can only free Gywdion using the Regalie of Arak, not by being "The Gatekeeper"
--Gywdions true form is not the stay puff marshmallow man
---Okay seriously, he's not Gozer! For crying out loud, he ain't even a ghost!
-The Darklord of Sithicus is not Tracy Hickman (even though he should be)
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Re: Ravenloft's Mr. Welch List

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I am not ever to attempt to convince Victor Mordenheim to turn his Golem-making research towards the invention of Pokemon. Wasn't getting tossed off the roof of his Schloss warning enough? :roll:

I am not to use any of the following descriptors in my Dread Golem research ever again:
-Pokemon
-Catbus
-Gingerbread
-Marshmallow
-self-basting
-bagpipes
-self-loading
-winged
-self-replicating
-non-Euclidean
-candy
-custard
-lycanthropic

Strahd is not played by Leslie Nielson in Dracula:Dead and Loving It and I should stop pretending otherwise. :mrgreen:

It is fine if I gather up any Broken Ones that I find and try to give them a sense of belonging and community-however, I am never again allowed to pass out all the Party's magic items to them, give them cool uniforms and teach them that our Battle Cry is "TO ME MY X-MEN!". And before I ask, I am not to go the other way with the whole Brotherhood of Evil Mutants bit either...

I am allowed to research variant spells naturally-but the Garlic-scented Stinking Cloud is not as much of an all-purpose 'Vampire-Be-Gone' as I think it is...also, several towns would like to discuss the concept of 'collateral damage' with me... :(

Countering the menace of Richemulot by becoming a Were-tiger and making dozens of nightly random attacks on the populace in order to 'inoculate' them from the were-rats, while insanely amusing in theory, is still very, very wrong and-if the Reniers do not slaughter me first-will likely get me my own Domain.

Achieving my own Domain should not be one of my ambitions in life! The Dark Powers will make sure that whatever I get, I will still be utterly miserable and unhappy with my lot. :shock:

Going after the Were-wolf with a bottle of Hair Remover is only funny once-and the DM only let my get away with it because I had Alchemy as a Proficiency. If I try it again I may run into an entire Pack at once... :twisted:

Alchemist or not, I am never to flood the room with helium when confronted by Monsters just "so everybody sounds like the Muppets". The rest of the Party may call a Truce in order to let them all eat me, Powers Checks or no... :|

Dark Powers Checks are not to be chased for the sake of 'awesome stuff!'-the Dark Powers will always make sure that I regret the choice.

There are a number of Spells that are inappropriate to Ravenloft and that I am never to suggest to the DM for my Spell research again:
-Wall of chocolate
-Turn Water to Blood (the Vampyres appreciated the effort, but it was not filling and tasted a bit bland)
-Summon Darklord (I will never be high enough Level, ever)
-Animate Carriage (especially once I added the guns and the armor plating)
-Remove Weapon Proficiency, 10' Radius
-Wave of Apathy
-Ray of Silver Slivers

I must remember that Summoning extra-planar creatures traps them in the Demi-plane. Therefore, constantly Summoning Solars, Devas and other noble creatures 'in order to even things up little'-especially on a daily basis!-is grounds for a Powers Check. :oops:

I will not attempt to run the Apparatus on the Party Monk in an attempt to create a small army-besides, they will probably fight each other to the death anyway...

If I ever, ever, ever try to raise an army again by placing my charmed Neutral henchman between two mirrors of opposition ever again, I will be in my own Domain so fast that I won't have time to blink! I am also to never suggest to any others of any Alignment that such a thing is possible. We have all taken a vow of silence on the matter.

A Ring of Feather Falling and a Decanter of Endless Water on the 'Geyser' setting do not combine to make a 'Jet Pack', and I was wrong to tell the Gnome Fighter this without first trying it out myself. :cry: I should be glad that he holds no grudges. On a related note, I need to keep talking the Gnome Fighter out of the following-
-believing that the Acrobatics Proficiency will let him steer our 'Jet Pack'
-that the DM will ever grant him a Proficiency in 'Jet Pack'
-thinking that any number of fins on his helmet, arms or legs will ever allow him to steer the blasted devices properly!
-again, I am so very, very sorry and will pay for any Healing the Gnome needs when he tries again.... :lol:

Using Illusion Magic to create the illusion of a Barber Shop and attempt to give a pursuing Monster a haircut does not work outside of Scooby-Doo. Just because Toben the Many found it hilarious that one time does not make it a viable tactic... :roll:

I must never, ever, ever try to use a Simulacrum Spell or Clone spell on Toben the Many ever again! I could have just sold the Scrolls for gold, but noooooooooo.......

Disguising myself as a Headless Horsewoman got me no more than a single round of Surprise when the Headless Horseman showed up! Oddly enough I am not forbidden from trying this tactic again, with as many suicidal PCs as I want...
"And did she ever come out?"
"Not Yet".
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Re: Ravenloft's Mr. Welch List

Post by Rock of the Fraternity »

yaoihuntressearth wrote: -Sailor Scout is not a core class in Ravenloft.
... You made me imagine what a Big Eyes Small Mouth-game set in Ravenloft would be like.
Now I'm trying very hard not to imagine a domain based on anime clichés. 0_0;
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Re: Ravenloft's Mr. Welch List

Post by KingCorn »

-I will not keep asking Strahd about Alucard
-Just because the a child cries about a dead pet does make casting animate dead on said pet a good deed
-Conversations about the qualities between Universal Monster Movies and the Hammer Horror Films are interesting. Having said conversations in character is Meta Gaming
-I am allowed to call Urik von Kharkov Blackula (once). I am not allowed to call him: Shaft, That Guy From Harlem, Black Dynamite, Dolamite
-No more ghosts in sheets disguises
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